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ello readers,

It is now the third quarter of the year — haih, cepat je kan? These past few weeks I felt the urge to write down my thoughts. I kept debating whether to write it in my phone notes or here. I guess I chose this because it might be a bit long (I’ll try to keep it short, though), and somehow it feels more worth the effort typing it on a laptop. Lol.

Lately I’ve been a little under the weather. I realised something about myself — I tend to overthink and reflect a lot, sometimes too much. To the point that it actually makes me physically sick. Duh.

I once read a research study that says constantly thinking about negative things can upset the body’s hormone balance, which can weaken the immune system and make a person sick. Omg, suddenly I’m talking science. Err… anyway, I guess that is exactly what happened to me. Maybe this is also a little reminder for you not to be like me.

You might be wondering, what kind of thoughts could make someone feel that way?

Honestly, it’s the lingering thoughts about the past. The kind that suddenly come back even when you thought you had already moved on. It made me realise how certain chapters in life can leave such a deep impact, even after they have ended.

There was a time in my life when I struggled to collect all the broken pieces and rebuild myself again. I remember how fragile I was back then. I lost my appetite, I had gastric, I was constantly sick, and I had moments where my family had to rush me to the hospital. It sounds dramatic now, but that was truly how overwhelming it felt at the time.

Crazy, isn’t it?

It took quite a while for me to become normal again. I was very fragile back then, and maybe a small part of me still is — but I know I’m much stronger now. I thought I was completely okay, until certain memories or news reminded me that healing is sometimes not as linear as we expect.

That’s when I realised something important: sometimes we unintentionally reopen our own wounds. For example, by looking back too much or revisiting things that should have been left in the past. A small advice from me — don’t keep reopening doors that you have already closed. Sometimes curiosity only brings back pain.

You know what I’m really tired of? Feeling sad over a chapter of my life that was only a few years long, when I have spent most of my life being happy and surrounded by love. You get what I mean, tak?

But at the same time, I’m also learning that it’s okay to acknowledge feelings without letting them define the rest of our lives. Who would have thought that a short chapter could leave such a big imprint on someone’s heart?

Still, I truly hope it won’t last forever. I want to let go of the weight of it. Please Allah, I still want to live my life happily and peacefully.

Talking about happiness, I think I will write another entry soon — maybe about finding joy again and the thoughts of settling down in life. (Probably not tonight though… maybe this weekend!)

Before this entry becomes even longer — because I know some of you might not read if it gets too panjang — I should probably summarise here.

A note:
I may forgive people who hurt me, even if they never apologise. But I will never forget the lessons and the strength that came from the pain. Every experience leaves its mark, and every mark becomes part of who we are today.

And that, I guess, is part of growing up.

Best,
Shazleen
31/8/23
11:56pm

Sometimes I receive comments like, “Why did you reject so many guys?”

Thank you for those comments. I truly appreciate them, but I feel like there are things people might not fully understand.

Let me share something from my side.

I have experienced trusting someone who made promises about everything — telling me that things would be okay, that everything would work out, that we would figure things out together.

But in the end, that same person was the one who shut everything down.

After that, I gave myself another chance. I tried to be open again, to get to know new people, to allow possibilities. But instead of feeling hopeful, I ended up feeling small… almost useless.

Sometimes people may not realise it, but even unintended ignorance can remind someone of past wounds. And it brought me back to memories and feelings I worked so hard to heal from.

So I asked myself: why would I allow myself to feel that kind of pain twice?

Because of that, it is no longer about looks, wealth, or even education level for me.

To me now, what matters most is attitude, personality, and acceptance. Someone who genuinely wants to grow old together, not just someone who looks good on paper.

When finding a partner, we have to be realistic. Looks will fade with time. Wealth can come and go. Even a high level of education does not promise a good heart or a stable life.

At this point in my life, my assessment is based on effort — the effort someone puts in, the sincerity they show, and how they can bring value not only to my life but also to my family.

Looks and wealth no longer impress me.
I guess that is one of the biggest lessons my past relationships have taught me.

So I truly hope I will not receive such comments anymore. Yes, I do feel offended sometimes. I just wish people would try to stand in my shoes and understand what I have felt, instead of judging so freely.

May Allah bless all of us with wisdom, patience, and good intentions.
Allahumma Aamiin.

Best,

Shazleen

11 Apr 2023

10:20pm

It’s Ramadan month! I have never published any of my writing during this holy month, but this year is an exception. Why? Because a few things recently triggered my thoughts to write and share it with you guys. (As if I have a loyal or dedicated reader who actually reads my blog lol.)

This month I started cooking more frequently again. As far as I can recall, the last time I was this rajin to cook was in 2020 — the year I started learning how to cook properly. Before that, honestly speaking, cooking was never really my thing. Haha.

During iftar just now, two of my housemates gave a really nice compliment about my cooking. They said, “Olynn masak rasa sama macam mak-mak atau nenek-nenek. Pure.”

I smiled when they said that. Every time I receive compliments like this, there is always one thought in my mind — I wish my mom could taste this.

To give you some context, when I was younger, I was the least likely person to be found in the kitchen helping my mom cook. That was more my sister’s job. You would most likely find me in the living room instead. I preferred cleaning or tidying the house rather than cooking. With that being said, I literally knew nothing about cooking. Even something as simple as potong sayur — I didn’t know how (that time lah). T_T

Years later, around 2019 when I started working in KL, I told myself that I should learn how to cook. So I did. But at that time I was still very, very basic level. Googling recipes, watching YouTube videos, video calling my mom to ask questions — everything.

I still remember one particular day when I decided to cook gulai ayam. I was so excited because I planned to show my mom that I could finally cook something properly. But something unexpected happened that day. My sister called and told me that my mom’s condition had worsened.

For some context — my mom had previously suffered a stroke that left the left side of her body paralysed. The call I received that day was that her body had become fully paralysed. She was already in a coma.

I was too stunned to even feel anything. I left everything in the kitchen, bought an emergency flight ticket, and flew straight back to Kelantan.

A week later, my mom left us.

When I returned to KL, the gulai ayam was still there in the freezer. The dish I had planned to show her. I remember eating it while crying. That moment felt really heavy. I even told myself that maybe I didn’t want to cook anymore.

But as time passed, I slowly returned to the kitchen again. Cooking became something different for me. Not just a skill to learn, but something that reminds me of home, memories, and the people we love.

So when my housemates complimented my cooking tonight, I felt happy — but also a little emotional. Because in my heart, I still wish my mom could have tasted it.

From everything that happened, there are two things I have learned.

First, never regret things that happened in the past that were beyond your control. Sometimes I wish I had learned how to cook earlier so that my mom could have seen that her daughter could take care of herself. But life doesn’t always give us that timing.

Second, people in our lives will come and go. That is one of the hardest truths we have to accept.

Losing my mom felt like losing a part of my soul. For a while, life felt grey. But as time passed, I learned that everything in this world is only a pinjaman from Allah. Nothing truly belongs to us forever.

And maybe that is why we should appreciate the moments we still have with the people around us.

My advice is simple: never lose hope and never regret the past too much. Instead, try to see the hikmah behind everything that happens.

I know this entry is quite long (I tried to summarise but clearly failed hahaha), but if you managed to read until this last paragraph, I truly appreciate it.

Till we meet again, dear readers.

Thank you for spending your time reading this. 🙂

Best,

Shazleen

8 April 2023, 11:26pm

"A journey of a thousand miles, begin with a single step."

The most clueless phase in my life that I have ever been through, is me being a 23 years old girl. I have just finished my degree. I was so afraid thinking about what will the future holds for me. It really does frightened me to death.

There is always question popping out inside my head. The 5W and 1H is looping every minutes and seconds per day. It was like you forget to put break in your HTML codes or its like you forget to draw the rectangle with rounded caped end in your flowchart. It was a never ending process. Imagine how messed up i am. My mind is going crazy.

Thinking about the competency required to secure jobs in today's life has great enough to create silence in my extrovert personality. I am at the phase of becoming very skeptical about my life. To be honest, I hate this feeling.

I remember my dad told me “Every day is a fresh start”. So with that word, I keep convince myself to be positive and to always act rational. I believe, Allah always has a better plan for me and each of us. Just believe that “every difficulties will come ease”. Just put trust in Allah.

Alhamdulillah, I manage to survive my after degree life. I experienced doing few jobs and i love each and every job i delivered. My very first job after I complete my study is i became a graphic designer. That one I learn how to do market research and I manage to tackle the kind of up-to-date design which meet the business industry. Then, I became a part time tuition teacher too! - I learn and find out the way how to tackle students in the class, how to get the subject more interested to learn and lots lots of things that i discovered in teaching areas.

I wish I could further my studies and career in education. My one and only dream is to become a lecturer just like my father. It is a long way journey, I know, i know.. I will try my very best to achieve my dream job. Nothing is impossible right? but if I can't achieved it, i would just wholeheartedly accept whatever that Allah has written to me.

Now that I become an executive in Learning & Development field with one of the financial institutions in Malaysia. I am grateful. I promise myself, i would not stop here. There is a lot more things out there that I know I need to figure it out. I will not give up.

Olynn,
September 24th,2019

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Hi Earthlings!

It's OLYNN here

The Ups and Downs

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